Belonging and Restoration


I've always been driven.  For as long as I can remember, I have pushed myself harder than anyone I’ve ever known.

For several years, I’ve had my own company.  It started out as just a bookkeeping business, and then it just kept growing.  We now offer a range of money-related services and financial education classes.  Even in so much economic uncertainty, there’s been a huge expansion.   I worked relentlessly to make it all happen.

In all that work, I’ve always sought joy.  And as hard as I chased it, and as much success as I’ve had in one respect, I never had the ability to hold much joy.  What I’ve always had instead are all highs and lows.  I’d have incredible energy and run hard, and then I would completely collapse. As the business grew, this cycle took an insane toll on me.  

I realized I couldn’t go on like this.  Something had to give.  I had to be more consistent and balanced, to take care of myself better while still being successful.  Some mornings I couldn’t get out of bed because my joints were so swollen. I thought it might be from eating gluten, but it was actually from the huge toll work was taking.  I was breaking down because I couldn't be authentic, because everything I did reflected on my ability to make money. I was haunted by this feeling that if I didn’t show up and push hard every day, I wouldn’t be able to feed my son.  (I had him when I was in my early 20s, and I always felt the immense pressure to provide.)

When it came to relationships, I was the same.  I told myself I was fine with just having them be casual. And then I’d find myself waiting for a moment to be able to say that I really wanted a relationship. I didn’t think of it as not being vulnerable so much as never finding the opening or the right time to ask for it. I’d say things to men like, “I can’t spend time, I have to get this work done.”  I could feel a man wanting attention, needing me, and I just couldn’t give him any time and the connection would fall apart. 

That was the pattern until I met people who were OMing. I wasn’t immediately attracted. Two of the women were joyful. And I thought okay, that I'm interested in. It wasn’t just the joy they exuded – these women were big and bold in their lives. Most people don't tell me what to do. And even if they do, I don't listen. It’s so rare that I encounter other people that are as powerful as I am – and these two were.

What struck me about these OMers I met was that they were almost like magicians creating their own reality.  Most people just slide through life, dealing (or not) with whatever reality hands to them. They don’t really care, or they’re scared.  I’m a discerning and intuitive person – and I’ve learned to discern who has fire, who has initiative, and who can really transmit. Most people, if you get close to them, sound like static.  These women were so clear.   It was crystal clear what they wanted and who they were.   And I wanted that.   It’s one thing to be able to see it in others, which is a gift I have – and another to be able to actually transmit with total clarity and purpose.

I started OMing. In the past, I had gotten energy from working out, swimming and so on -- that was what gave me strength.   OMing gave me all that energy, but it also made me feel nourished and connected.  In the nest, I felt as though I belonged and was connected.   And it was while OMing that I realized that I’ve always pushed so hard because I never felt I belonged and had to do it all on my own.  I realized that I felt at home for the first time. I could be myself, and trust that the container of OM was holding me, and I didn’t have to be a certain way.

Yes, OM is pleasure.  But pleasure gets such a bad rap as being superficial and empty, especially for those of us who grew up in organized religion.   What I found was that not only does pleasure feel good, it restores – and it does so more effectively than anything else.  It’s like, people exhaust themselves to the point that they need these three-week vacations on a beach somewhere in order to recover.   What OM does is provide that restoration in 15 minutes.   In a sense, it is magical – but it’s practical magic.  I’m a businesswoman to my core; I like OM so much because it works.

OM gives me more than a sense of belonging and restoration.  It’s also given me this radical acceptance of others. I have a practice now of noble rightness: I tell people they’re right about whatever it is they’re discussing.  I’m no longer attached to their perception of reality.  I don’t have to fight them, and I don’t have to make them wrong in order to be right. I can just give them the nourishment and satisfaction of letting them be right.  You see how hungry people are for that! They get so excited when they feel you’re acknowledging their rightness. 

The sense of connection and openness is amazing.  For a woman who had to do it all herself for so long, it’s not just about letting myself ask for what I want.  I could do that before.  It’s that I allow myself to receive it when it’s given.  I recently let my sweetheart buy me a house.  I could never have let that into my life before.  I’m given what I want because I’m letting myself receive it. I have so much more partnership in my life. I’m excited today because I just wrote an invoice for a partnership that I'm doing with someone who has wanted to work with me for a long time. I told her, “I'll work with you; I'll teach for you.”  She said, “Great, I'll give you a bunch of money.” And I was able to say, “Cool, but I only want to teach this and then I want my staff to do the rest.”  I took care of myself, and I created opportunity for the people who work for me – and I could never have said any of that before.   My client is thrilled, my staff has more work, we’re all making money.   

OM opened all these doors I couldn’t imagine opening.   Or more to the point, it opened doors I didn’t even know were there!