From Tightly Wound to Soft and Open

BY EMMA

Just before I started OMing, it had become clear by this point in my life that I had a problem with men and relationships. I’d have short flings with men and then get incredibly upset when they didn’t work out. I was carrying this sense of woundedness around from one man to another. 

I didn’t realize how close I was to burning out at the time. I was running on a lot of adrenaline and constantly fatigued. I’d come home from my work at an art charity and drink at least half a bottle of wine each night. Self-medication, I suppose. I was functioning but not healthy. 

My first OM was surprising. I had expected it to be all bells and whistles, but I didn’t feel that much really. It wasn’t until afterwards that I realized a change had begun. I would spend hours singing and dancing in my flat rather than being productive. Occasionally, I would spend a whole day crying. The beginning of my practice was quite messy in that way. I was opening up parts of my nervous system, thawing away trauma, releasing all the emotions that I had been previously stuffing down.

As I carried on with the practice, I started to have OMs in which my clitoris felt like lots of magnetic diamond pieces that were sparkly and twinkly and electric. My best friends started to notice a change in me. They’d say things like, “You seem a lot more relaxed since you’ve started doing that OM thing.” Gradually, that twinkly, sparkly feeling became my baseline, rather than the old adrenalized, stuck-in-my-head, stressed-out way of being.

It’s not that I had a problem feeling things before. I have a degree in Theatre and Drama, and I’ve always been a feeling person. It’s just that my feelings would get stuck, as if there wasn’t enough space around them. I think that’s why I was always stressed and burning out; I had so many feelings, I didn’t know what to do with them all. 

I remember this one OM, where it felt like I was falling into a field of electricity that was bigger and sharper than me, that I was almost totally dissolving. It blew my mind. I felt so connected to the energy of the universe, like I was dissolving into pieces of cosmic dust. 

There have also been OMs where I’ve felt very grounded. I’ve discovered a spot at the bottom of my clitoris that’s connected to a volcanic, rumbling coal-fire feeling very deep inside of me. It makes me feel rooted. It’s a place I like to remember when there’s too much tingly energy in me, and I don’t know where to put it.

The longer I've OMed, the more subtle the practice has become. It’s not the big shakedown that it was at the beginning. The main thing I feel nowadays is a softening and a loosening. It's as though I used to be a tightly knotted ball of rubber bands. The bands can’t be completely untangled all at once, but if you gradually create more space in between them, over time, you can separate them out and create a little more calm and order.

I recently tried an OM where my partner and I agreed to say every thought in our heads while we were OMing. I experienced a deeper connection between my genitals and my mind and heart. It’s helped to promote a feeling of safety in me, and at the same time I can be intimate with a man. I can speak my mind in real time, which proves to me that there are men who can be with all of me, even when I'm vulnerable and raw. That they won’t leave me if I tell them how I feel. 

OM has also gradually changed my relationship with my mum. I can be much softer with her now when she’s complaining. I can see that underneath there’s someone quite hurt. I can feel the thing that she isn’t saying, and I can make it feel safe enough for her to say what’s on her mind. I use OM principles in situations that would have triggered me before.

I’m not sure that I’ve been entirely “fixed,” but I have more tools to deal with problematic areas in my life now. A lot of things have fallen away. I changed my whole career. I dropped unhealthy, codependent relationships, and I feel more intimately connected to the people I spend my time with. I’m good at removing myself from situations that don’t feel good. I’m better able to prioritize my body and feelings. I always thought I had to make things happen with my head, but the trick is actually to stay in flow.