Approval for My AppetiteBY GEORGIA HAUGHTON
I remember the exact time I heard about Orgasmic Meditation for the first time. My friend told me there was a practice in which you could get your clitoris stroked. As strange as it sounded, I knew I wanted to try it. I was intrigued by anything out of the ordinary, and OM appealed to me, but I went on to forget about it.
Some months later, I was in the middle of what I would describe as a deep inner journey. I thought I needed to be away from everything and everyone and had moved from London to the countryside to live with my parents. I discovered, however, that while I enjoyed the peaceful country walks and being in nature, I also missed city life. I started looking for activities on Meetup that would give me a reason to travel into London. And that’s when I saw it, an event teaching Orgasmic Meditation. I signed up to learn the practice.
Over the next few weeks though, I went back and forth over the decision. I wasn’t working and felt unsure about whether I really wanted to spend the money. I cancelled more than once. I eventually decided to go through with it. The class itself was overwhelming. Everything about the experience was. I was afraid the men were too interested in me, the music was too loud, and the level of vulnerability required too deep. I noticed just how much drama I created when confronted with something I really wanted. There were moments in the intro class, in which the feeling in the room, which I now call orgasm, was palpable. It brought tears to my eyes. OM was definitely something I needed and wanted. I had to overcome my fears of being uncomfortable, being taken advantage of, used, and perved-on by men to have it.
My first OM itself was underwhelming. I wouldn’t say I felt huge amounts of sensation, but afterwards I remember this pervasive feeling of being connected to the world around me and relaxed. I had been apprehensive towards my stroker, and by the end that had shifted into a warm, trusting feeling. I began practicing once or twice a week until I decided to fully immerse myself in OM and find out how it could really change my life.
Then, I began to practice every day, and to feel huge amounts of energy in my body. At first, I felt really ungrounded, my emotions very volatile. I could burst into tears spontaneously or go into fogs of confusion. I didn’t know what was happening or how to channel all the energy I suddenly seemed to have access to. My appetite, too, was suddenly huge and I found myself eating and eating to suppress the surge of energy in my body. This caused me a lot of shame because my relationship with food was one in which I would swing between being very controlled and bingeing. For instance, I loved toast, but I wouldn’t let myself have any most of the time!
Truthfully, though, that was the way I was with most things - whether it was my creativity or my food or my sex life - I just couldn’t let myself have what I wanted. Turns out that this isn’t uncommon among women. I had always restricted to deal with problems in my life. Dealing with polycystic ovarian syndrome, I had become a vegan. I worked on healing my body by retreating from others and learning how to meditate to quiet my thoughts. I knew I had a large sexual appetite, but I could only let myself feed that if I used drugs and alcohol. Until OM, I really only had sex when intoxicated. Though longing to find my soulmate and attached to the idea of “the One,” I had never been in a proper relationship and was terrified of intimacy.
I began to learn how to approve of my appetite in all areas of my life. Before OM, I hadn’t believed that I was worthy or lovable enough to have what I really wanted. Giving space to my desires was nothing short of revolutionary. It wasn’t an easy surrender, however, and for a year my body and my mind fought it out over croissants! I needed to let my body have what it was asking for before true desire learned how to trust me.
As I learned to be more allowing, rather than being a rushing vortex of energy, I became able to feel the subtle sensations in an OM and how they moved around my body. It was quite simple, but I began to really feel my body. I had been completely shut off from it, and gradually, I began to feel much more rooted in my skin, my body, my bones. Out of my mind and in my body, I had greater access to myself, to what was true for me. I began to develop a relationship to my intuition. I began to feel so much more alive! My body could guide me, and that allowed for more flow, trust, and even magic in my life.
There is a way that OM connects you to your desire. For me, it woke a deep hunger, and with every adjustment I gave in an OM, I exercised the muscle that knows what it wants. I learned that it’s ok to want things, that it was ok to have both needs and wants.
Practicing every day for a year was a period of accelerated growth for me. I learned the discipline of daily practice and of staying connected to my body, while at the same time, immersing myself in the world of emotion. Although before OM, I was what could be described as an emotional person, I really only had 2 states - high or low, happy or sad. OM has given me access to a much wider range of feeling and I am able to identify and observe feelings of joy, sadness, or anger without becoming consumed by them.
Everything in my life feels more alive - people, colors, nature. I am now the full expression of myself and I am always who I need to be in the moment. I am confident and self-assured because I am unconditional in the love, regard, and approval I feel for myself, my life, and my choice to OM.