Letting Go of People PleasingBY LENNY HUGHES
I was so in my head before Orgasmic Meditation. You could have called me anti-social, but I wouldn’t have. I just didn’t know how to express myself. It seemed like a lot of people liked me, but I never felt connected to any of them on a deep emotional level. I was just always in my head, figuring out ways to please them.
I had never had a girlfriend and had been on maybe 2 dates in my life. You could count the number of times I’d had sex on one hand. But that didn’t mean I didn’t think about it. I was always trying to figure out ways to get with girls. Be a nice guy, I’d tell myself. Do whatever you think she wants you to do. My mind was always on sex, on relationships, on figuring out how to get women.
I became addicted to porn and masturbation. I wanted sex so badly, it was like it was devouring me, and it really took away from my life. I spent a lot of days alone, even if I wasn’t physically alone. I was so frustrated. I was just stuck in my thoughts. I don’t know what I’m doing wrong. I’m trying to be a nice guy. I’m trying to people-please. I’m sacrificing myself in all these ways, and I’m still so alone.
I would place all these expectations on myself, trying to figure it out. I need to be more attractive, I would think. I need this, I need that. I was into biohacking, and it was at a biohacking conference that I discovered OM. I was immediately drawn in by the attention the people I spoke to seemed capable of giving, and soon I was learning to OM.
My first OM was a disaster. I have a tremor in my hand, and when I’m really nervous, like I was, it gets worse. It was a struggle to even find the clitoris, and then keep the clitoral hood back. I was shaking and sweating, and it was just a total mess. I felt like it was one more thing I couldn’t figure out.
But something was there, and I stuck with it. Over time, I had the most amazing realization: I had to stop trying to figure it out. I started noticing that whenever my OMs weren’t what I wanted them to be, it wasn’t because positioning was wrong. It wasn’t because of my tremor. It was because I wasn’t fully engaged in the OM. Eventually, I started to let go of trying to get things right and just notice instead. I’d always felt like I was groping around in the dark, trying to solve some unsolvable problem, and I just stopped groping. When I did, things started to fall into place.
Growing up, I was always what you’d call a “good kid.” A lot of that was tied up in what a great student I was. I spent a lot of time trying to make people like me. At the same time, I was sort of a loud kid. I think it was a self-control thing. So, I was told a lot, all the way through high school and college, that I needed to quiet down. I really quieted myself to try and please people.
I would repress my voice, and then when it would have an opportunity to come out, it would come out way too fast. “Oh, I feel like we have a connection… let’s have sex right now,” sort of thing. Or let’s start a relationship right now. Way too fast. I was always a few strokes ahead. Now that I’m not so desperate to figure things out, to please people, I find I can sit within my emotion. I have a capacity to hold emotion that used to completely overwhelm me. At the end of an amazing OM, I can feel all this incredible sensation, and I’m just able to enjoy it without having to take another step right away.
It’s the goallessness of the practice, I think, that helped so much. Being able to stay in this high-intensity situation without pursuing a goal. It’s slowed me down. My mind used to always be women: on relationships, on how I can get with them. OM has taught me to be in a woman’s company and have fun, without having to get anywhere.
And guess what? I got somewhere! I was in the very first relationship of my life recently. Not a girlfriend, because she didn’t want me calling her that. Just kidding (not really). But I stopped trying so hard, and it just happened. Crazy.
When the relationship ended about a month ago, it was really hard. I was tempted to go back to what I used to use to numb myself: porn and masturbation. I went online and started browsing, and here’s the really crazy thing: nothing happened. I didn’t want it anymore. I didn’t need it anymore. I knew what I wanted. I wanted real connection. Honest connection. And for the first time ever, I knew how to get it.