Instead of Anxiety, I Can Play

BY KAI

I come from a very technical, scientific, logical German background. As a result, I experienced a lot of tenseness and anxiety about everyday life, especially around dating and sex. When I discovered Orgasmic Meditation, I was finishing my PhD and was due to deliver my thesis. And yet I had not yet written it, and that was weighing heavily on me. Then my girlfriend and I broke up, all around my 30th birthday.

One night I was doing a YouTube safari and stumbled upon a TED Talk about Orgasmic Meditation. I was absolutely fascinated. “People should be doing this!” I thought. Yet I also thought it was weird, so I didn't include myself as one of those people. Then I searched further and saw that a newspaper that I regularly read had posted an article about the practice, which gave it more validity in my mind. I found myself in a delicious dilemma. I’d already formed an opinion that it was weird. And now I’d read an article that made it sound more normal. The fact that practitioners used gloves and the practice was rigidly structured made it seem like people were, “Doing it,” but not doing it. 

What did I want to do? Did I want to find out more? Yes or no? Finally, I realized the practice could develop intimate communication, and I could definitely use more of that. 

I learned a lot at the introduction. I felt very seen and I connected with people afterwards and signed up for my first immersion. 

After my first two OMs, I attended an event with other practitioners and we did a writing exercise to dive more deeply into intimacy and connection by writing about all our fears and resentments and then reading them to someone. I was really nervous and resentful over my dissertation and rather shaken at all the things I was learning with OM. “Are all these things that I'm learning really real?” I asked myself. I wanted to unravel my experiences with my therapist, not write about them and then read them aloud. It was too intimate. I felt too vulnerable. But I did the writing exercise and finally read it to a person I trusted. Even though I was shaking and trembling the whole time, the exercise ended up being incredibly freeing and healing and I was so glad I did it.

Basically, five sessions and all the writing I did around those sessions accomplished what three years of therapy had not done.  I had a breakthrough and started writing my thesis in January and had my thesis defense in December, which in academia is definitely the fast track! I kept OMing the whole time. 

By the time I was 33, I had done a deep dive into my shadows of darkness. I had a lot of pent up sexual desire and a lot of shame around it. I had had such fear around telling a woman about my desires. I was so concerned, thinking, “What will she think of me? If I tell her I have desire for her will she perceive me as a predator?” OM helped me not only get in touch with my desires, it gave me the courage to speak truthfully to women about them. 

Around this time, I ended up in a relationship with another practitioner, and OM enabled us to go so much deeper into an awareness of our patterns. Being in that relationship with Mila was a significant learning experience for me. One of the most valuable things I learned (and I always explain this to new strokers) is that with OM we use sexual energy, but the practice is not a sexual interaction. It's not about sexuality. It's a consciousness—a consciousness where there is no goal. 

Stripping away the element of the stress of goals and success, I am much more relaxed in all of my life circumstances. I'm much more confident about sex, and this relaxation has carried over into my professional and my private life. My anxiety levels have reduced considerably, and I can access play mode much more easily. I don’t take things so seriously. For example, I recently gave notice at work without having the next job lined up, something I never would have done before. 

Right now I'm traveling and taking the liberty to have a creative break and seek the inspiration to do something that I feel is spiritually more purposeful. My last job was never really true to my heart. OM has helped me to step into the unknown.