I Realized that I Am a Good ManBY JIM
I have a high-powered career in tech, but since I was a kid, I’ve always been a rule breaker. I had two alcoholic parents and didn’t get much attention. I got attention by being bad, so I became very good at breaking glass. I also carried a lot of anger with me.
My father was in the military for a dozen years and a very tough guy. He had me believing that by the time I was 13, I was supposed to have sex with as many women as possible. When I reached age 13 and wasn’t having sex, I was devastated. I felt that I needed approval from women to feel like a man. So, I spent a lot of my life objectifying women and feeling like I had to get more and more sex. Because if I didn't, I wasn't going to be a good man.
I found out about OM through friends, but at first, I ignored them because I thought they were a little extreme. Then someone asked, Do you understand how to speak with women? Do you want to understand what women are saying to you? And I realized that I had no idea what women were saying to me most of the time. I came to OM hoping that I could understand women better—but also to understand something deeper inside myself.
My first time OMing, I was scared witless. I thought I was doing it wrong, and I was sweating so much that my glasses fell off my face. I thought, Oh no, I've ruined everything. But afterwards my OM partner said, “That was the most amazing experience I've ever had.” That was the first step in helping me realize that what my brain says, and what is actually happening on a feeling level, can be completely different.
Before OM, I had also lost my meditation practice—I wasn't progressing. OM became a vehicle for me to enter meditation in a way that I’ve never found anywhere else. It quiets my mind and quiets the vibrations that make me seem very intense to other people. I feel calm and focused afterwards.
What I realized starting out was that I had no idea what I desired at a deep level in my life. I had been pursuing a path that I knew that society said I should pursue, though I didn't feel desire for that path. The message from OM was that we can get more in touch with our desires. We can learn to hear the very quiet whisper that's telling us at every moment what the right thing to do is, and how to respond and how to be.
At first, I had no idea what that whisper, the voice of my own intuition, was telling me. And I wasn't able to hear women telling me what they needed to say, via subtle messages, because I wasn't listening. I was only concerned with what I believed was true and the way things needed to be. I was very one-focused, linear, and really attached to things being a particular way. And this helped me realize, oh my god, there's another way to live.
As I progressed in the practice, the idea of “safe porting” before an OM really resonated with me. It’s about making a person feel safe by saying what I’m going to do and what my intentions are. A lot of women have a high vigilance center around men they don't know. Men can be scary out there. And what I found is that safe-porting people (not just women, but all people) creates a level of safety that I don't think that people had with me before.
OM teaches me about feeling joy and playing and interacting in ways that I truly enjoy. With women, I’m having fun and feeling connected in ways that I don't think I’ve had in the past. Goal-lessness allows me to play and just be. It doesn't matter what the outcome is.
I'm able to listen in a way that I've never listened before, and I learned that through stroking. I can see what’s there in a way that I've never been able to see before. I can feel what's inside me, what's inside the stroke, and what’s inside the woman I’m stroking. There's an expansion that happens in me.
As a result of OM, I’m feeling my way through life more—really coming from my desire and my experience. This helps me be more authentic. People relate to me better. That authenticity, and coming from that place of truth and feeling, allows people to know who I am, and we can have deeper, more vulnerable interactions as a result.
But what’s been most healing about OM is that something finally shifted in me: I realized that I’m a good man. I’m a loving man. I'm a beautiful man. I feel a settled-ness in that and a truth in that, and that's allowed me to come from that place.
OMing has helped me to feel that. Every time I OM, I feel a subtleness and a centeredness. I'm able to give in a way that I never did before. I love that I can be in connection with women and not have to get anything from them, and not have to try and prove my worthiness. I don't have to have sex with a million women to feel satisfied.
I'm no longer holding the anger that separated me from other people. When I do feel anger, I'm able to address it and get it out. It doesn't stay in me and become resentment. By OMing, I get in touch with myself and my experience. I talk about my feelings and experiences now. I'm able to move through whatever's there and get to the other side, so I can feel fully present with people.
With the woman that I'm seeing, we recently had a very difficult conversation and I felt very distant from her at the beginning of the conversation. But we stayed present and in dialogue. She got angry, but I helped her, and myself, through that feeling. At the end, we felt so deeply intimate, so connected. We felt such deep, profound love. And that is a result of OM—of being able to really feel what I feel and hold the emotion and not have to throw it back at other people in the way that I used to.
I want—I deeply crave—connection. Sex will happen or it won't happen. It doesn't matter. What matters is the connection and the joy that I feel from that connection. It feels like a true spiritual connection that I get with people through this path, in a way that I've never experienced before.