Now I Thrive in the Mess That is Love & Life

BY JOHN HILL

I was single and searching for community in LA when someone told me about Orgasmic Meditation. I wanted to connect with women, so I went to an introductory OM event where people were playing games to get to know each other. I signed up to learn the practice soon after, and OMed for the first time, nervous and sweating. I didn’t think I did a very good job, but the woman still seemed grateful. That was different for me, not feeling like I had to perform.

OM is goalless, which means you’re not trying to make your partner climax and you’re not trying to get anything extra in return. This principle of goallessness has shifted how I go about my relationships. I used to tell women things just to get them to like me or make them feel good about themselves. Now, I can just observe and notice what’s happening rather than try to make things happen. My relationships used to feel like transactions, where I’d say or do things for women to get them to sleep with me. Now, they feel more like mutual interactions based purely on enjoying each other’s company. If I make a woman dinner, it’s because I want to, not because I want something from her. 

OM has also taught me how to hold a container. In the OM practice itself, this means setting up the nest, starting the timer, and creating an environment where a partner feels comfortable and can surrender to the sensations. In life, it means creating any sort of structure for someone to relax into, whether that’s planning a date they’ll love or providing a listening ear when they need to vent. I can create a sense of safety for women in my relationships now. 

When I started dating a woman, we decided to create a container for our relationship. We agreed to stay together for six months, no matter what, and decided we’d reevaluate the relationship when that six months came to an end. We felt free to be ourselves around each other, because we knew we’d be sticking together for at least six months. A lot came up, and I practiced holding the space for her to express her feelings and for me to express mine. At one point, she got mad and told me I could leave if I wanted to, but I stuck with her. It felt good to create a space where she could express herself that way without fearing that I would really leave. 

Relationships and all the messiness they brought with them used to make me feel hopeless and out of control. But now, I thrive in the mess that is love and life.