Including My Full Self in My Spiritual PathBY JUSTINE DAWSON
I learned about Orgasmic Meditation from a man I met at a meditation retreat. It was important to me that I include my whole self in my spiritual practice. So, sexuality and social activism were also part of my mindfulness journey.
Unfortunately, I felt disconnected sexually despite being in a relationship. But I watched my friend undergo a radical transformation. When we’d first met, he was a soft guy, spiritual, kind of unattractive. Then one day, he showed up on a motorcycle, wearing a leather jacket. He seemed much more connected to his body and frankly, way sexier. That was when he told me he did a practice called Orgasmic Meditation, or OM.
I considered OMing with my partner, but we never followed through. We tried counseling, to no avail. Instead, we broke up and I moved out. Then, three months after I’d first heard about it, I just decided to sign up for the introductory class.
My relationship had seemed perfect. My partner was very sexy, we were great friends, we shared similar values. Yet I felt restless and unsatisfied. I thought OMing might provide some answers for me.
What I remember most about my first OM experience was that I felt safer stroking, or being stroked, by a woman. I could not imagine OMing with a man I did not know. I remember being nervous about getting it right. I did not feel much. But afterward, I was flooded with a tremendous amount of emotion—one minute laughing, the next, screaming. I trusted these feelings.
My first kiss was at 18, my first intercourse at 21. I would have a crush, then sex and maybe a relationship. The sex was good, but it was disconnected from the depths I wanted in order to dedicate myself to something.
Through OM, however, my genitals became turned on. I felt far more nuanced sensation. I felt my desire and the freedom to follow it. Not just for sex within a relationship, but to explore sexuality with different people, to have a curiosity, pursue it, and then discover my deeper desire.
Now, I have a sovereignty around my sexuality. I know when I've had enough or when something lacks the depth I seek, and I know how to change that.
Before OM, I'd been great at deep friendship one on one, but I was always an introvert with a certain awkwardness that made being in groups difficult. I was good at partnership, but the electricity was fleeting. After OM, with the energy it created in my body, I was more confident about myself, and more comfortable with other people. Intimate relationships felt more dynamic because my sex opened, which led to more sex, which fueled the connection.
I realized how important sex was, that even though you could have a functional relationship without it, sex was a requirement of intimacy. OMing with different partners taught me to find connection with all sorts of people. This was a skill I took into my life.
Growing up, there were no moral qualms about sex. It was just kind of nonexistent. There was sex ed in school, but that was about pregnancy prevention or clinical issues, not experience or pleasure. I was fiercely independent and very practical. So, the idea that I could be non-needily interconnected with other people in an OM felt amazing. Before OM, I was unaware of my discomfort with the vulnerability of sharing my desires. Learning to tap into that vulnerability in the OM practice has given me far more connection to my desire and its expression.
I had a depth of attention from meditation that I could bring into my genitals in OM, along with approval of that attention. I was a big yes to sexuality, connection, and desire. Being stroked, while not having a goal, the simple experience of the high peaks and quiet valleys of orgasm, taught me that OM was its own universe—a world of sublime beauty.
OMing allowed me to inhabit my body as fully as I did my mind, so I felt more energy, more orgasm come through me. I was more rooted in this life and had more gravity to move things in the world. Being willing to take the less conventional path broke me free from a certain rigidity, it gave me a kind of freedom and a sense of power.
OM can be challenging because of the reasons not to do it, like shame, taboo, and intimacy, which seem so much bigger. Having Orgasmic Meditation as a practice gave me a road through areas that might have otherwise been easy to ignore, like connection and desire, because they are so confronting.
OM was my anchor, one that I needed. I would have dodged those questions or failed to penetrate them to the degree that I have with OM. In that way, it's a very unique practice. I'm grateful for my foundation in mindfulness. But OM allowed me to answer so much, to learn so much that, otherwise, it's just easier to overlook and avoid.