The Courage to have Compassion


I divorced in 2012 after a 20-plus year relationship with a more conservative person. Afterward, I reverted back to my curious, more adventurous self. I’d heard of Orgasmic Meditation, but it wasn’t until I heard a particularly good podcast about it that I decided to learn to OM.

My first OM struck me as unbelievable. I didn’t think women would be open to, and even interested in, a practice that involved taking off their pants. What was even more unbelievable was that, when my OM partner took off her pants, I didn’t feel anything sexual. OM took my full attention. It felt very human. It was the opposite of pornography, the opposite of sexual desire. I didn’t know the terminology then, but I felt it: this thing has intimate potential.

With women, my standard conversation used to be: “What do you do? This is what I do,” “Where did you go? This is where I went.” Now it’s more: “How do you change your state or your mood from the mood you start in, to the mood you want to be in?”  “How do you move your body to support that?” “When did you do that last—and did you smile?” Some women respond to this attention by glossing over; but some immediately turn their bodies and look me straight in the face, their pupils dilate, and they open like a time-release graphic of a flower blooming. 

Before OM, I had a reasonable level of success with women, but our interactions had a mechanistic quality to them. I didn’t know how to change it or what to change it to. When I was with a woman, my attention was never really on her, her body, her sensation, how I felt around her. To be blunt, OM made what was a rare occurrence into something frequent. It was no longer this rare hidden unicorn-like thing. I went from seeing each woman mainly as a potential opportunity for sex, to opening my interest in connecting with all of the complexity of the human being, the  whole woman in front of me.

Once I had a dedicated OM practice, it became a part of who I was. So, when I recently met someone new, OM became part of our relationship. A relationship with the nutrient of an OM practice is so regenerative. There’s an OM channel between us that’s at a low level, and then when we OM it spikes up another level of intensity, and that charge stays there.  That post-OM grove is a silky, great feeling to have with your woman.

My partner has a busy job with lots of travelling. We’ve realized that the best time for us to OM is when she first comes into the house, before the rest of what we do takes over. Her phone is ringing, the beeps are going, but in literally 15 minutes I’m grounding with her. I can literally feel her frequencies change from that outside world. All her static dissipates away. Within a couple of minutes, she’s right there, at the tip of my finger, and that’s magical.

Grounding is big for me. When I started OMing, I thought it was going to be all about the stroking, but over time I really found I enjoy the grounding step. The feel of the woman’s legs.  I can feel how she is just dropping down into the calm, open state that allows for progressive opening. That breath, that release, that surrender. I love it.

Once you have that feeling of grounding modelled, it doesn’t have to be touching someone’s legs. In the world, it can be achieved talking with someone: changing a subject in a conversation, or stopping a conversation that doesn’t mean anything. Just being that person who doesn’t do things that don’t mean anything. It’s about dropping the static.

One thing you learn when you OM is that when you try to do anything in OM, you will mess up the OM. You learn that what’s available will transpire. Trust in the process, go back to basics and be open to the sensations that are coming to you.

I was in a store the other day, and a woman was wearing a super cool orange jacket. Instead of just saying, “Great jacket,” I basically said to her, “How does it feel to wear a great jacket like that?” And boom! Immediately she said, “Oh my god, when I put this jacket on, I just feel like I am it.” It’s a whole different thing. You’re not trying to perform. You’re trying to say to someone, “I can feel how you feel in that jacket. And let’s just share about that feeling.”

I used to be assertive in social situations. Through OM, I learned that if I don’t try to take the conversation back to something I’m familiar with, it has the chance of becoming something so much more interesting. As I move though the world, I’m aware of how much richness there is beneath the surface. I was recently at a San Francisco subway station. There was this street guy harassing everyone. When he came to me, he started looking me up and down, and I was feeling him as being really nervous and agitated. I stepped towards him. He was ready for me to be aggressive, but I said, “Are you ok? I feel like you’re hurting right now.” And this guy, who’d been being a bully, started literally crying and talking about his father having died. I just stood there with him. I never ever would have done that before my engagement with OM.