Not-Enoughness Became Confidence & ValueBY JESSICA LOCQUET
A couple of years ago, I was at the Bulletproof conference here in Los Angeles when a guy approached me and some friends to invite us to visit the Orgasmic Meditation booth.
To his face, I did my best to make it seem like I was uninterested. The truth was, I was intensely curious. Over the next year, I kept hearing about OM from people and podcasts that I respected, and it wasn’t going away.
A little over a year ago, I was at the Bulletproof conference again. That morning, I wrote in my gratitude journal that I was going to get over whatever was holding me back and go talk to the women in the booth. When I did, I saw a friend’s face, and all my angst about OM dissolved.
Before OM, I was a serial dater. I dated people who I believed, on some level, either couldn’t or wouldn’t give me what I wanted. It was a way I kept myself safe from having to be vulnerable, and though my relationships started out feeling great, they devolved quickly. By the end, we were usually both miserable. I used to let myself get walked-on in these relationships. I’d choose unavailable men who fit into the narrow window of my attraction preferences, and when the relationship crashed and burned, I would blame him. It took me a while to realize, but the real problem was that I wasn’t honoring my inner voice.
Once I learned to OM, I discovered I could practice with anyone I wanted to; I didn’t have to only OM with men I was attracted to. Suddenly, I noticed how I had only been operating in a narrow set of preferences in other areas of life, too. I saw all kinds of preferences—for types of friendships and clients, even how I organized my schedule—rearrange within me. I began to relate to people and things in ways I never thought I would.
I think back on when I first started the practice. I was seeing a guy who showed me lots of interest and attention, but in a mysterious, murky kind of way. In hindsight, I’m sure he probably had a few more girlfriends on the side. I imagine I kept seeing him because, on some level, his skewed version of paying attention validated my limiting beliefs of not being good enough. After all, this guy was in that narrow set of preferences.
Once I let this guy go, I finally got to see him as the example-of-a-pattern that he was. Over and over, I would find guys who would validate my not-enough-ness story, and each relationship would keep me in that sullen space. OM shined a light on that behavior. As I kept saying yes to requests for OMs with strokers who were outside of my original dating preferences, I began to notice how empowered I felt. I suddenly didn’t need to seek approval from men who maybe looked a certain way but treated me poorly. I found my confidence and power, just because I was willing to OM with men who were outside of that range. I may have appeared confident before, but I didn’t prove it to myself until I learned the steps of an OM, and until I could trust that I had enough strength and integrity to maintain that container tightly.
I met my fiancé through OM. Before he and I started dating, my previous long-term relationship had lasted four years. Toward its end, I’d been incredibly unhappy. I didn’t have language for it then, but now I see that I had felt too powerless to make any changes or to ask for what I wanted. I withheld all of my honesty about my needs, and it built up over time. We found ourselves in the same fight again and again. I would get angry, have a huge outburst, and then feel immense shame about how I had not managed my anger better. Whenever that invisible switch got flipped, the anger would come out, and I couldn’t control it. I would fight and fight and not know how to stop. At one point, I started punching myself in the face during those fights because hurting myself was the only thing that would snap me out of it.
Once I began to OM regularly, I started to exercise my voice more and more during high-sensation moments, offering adjustments to my OM partners. It allowed me a metric to gauge what was happening in my body when I had something I wanted to say and either did—or did not—speak up for myself. Quickly, I saw how that translated into my relationships with people in my life. I started getting better at speaking up.
In OM, we are taught to allow whatever comes up to be there, regardless of what we are conditioned to think. Allowing whatever comes up to just be has taught me not to judge my anger. These days, I let the sad or not-so-polished parts of me show with other people. Before, I would push those feelings down and try to hide them. Because I OM, I have a lot more approval within myself for the full spectrum of emotion. I let myself feel whatever wants to be felt. On the whole, I am much happier for it.